Ok, I just finished watching How I Met Your Mother again.  I was considerably more emotional this time ‘round.  A lot of it I’m sure is having to accept that I’m not going to have certain things in my life that I’ve always wanted, like a family.  As fucked as things are right now, I can’t so much in good conscience ask a woman to have a child with me.  Being back home now and seeing the things I could’ve been doing over the last twenty-five years instead of shuffling through my exile in utah and wasting my life in a series of dead-end, no-paying jobs trying to fix the damage that artie did to my name and credit, just to barely almost get by.  I often struggle with the thoughts of what might’ve been weighed against the reality of what is.  I fully understand I wouldn’t be the man I am had my experience deviated from the path I’ve been walking but I’m confident that I still would’ve become a good person with just the dead dad and not necessarily with the decades of being ground under foot by my shitty “mother” and jackass siblings.  I still could’ve developed my work ethic by going to college when my teachers said I should have as opposed to working two or three jobs at a time and not be able to pay my bills let alone save any money.  I’m pretty sure I still could’ve developed empathy by learning from other peoples’ experiences and not being stuck in a know-nothing burgeoning theocratic nightmare of christians denying Christ at every turn.  But who knows?  Multiversal  cognizance is a big enough pain in the ass without developing such an understanding in my teenage years and having so much time through the years of menial labor to intellectually map out my personal history and retrace the causal cascade that brought me here to now, writing this…DOODY.  Ha!  That’s never not funny.  In any case, How I Met Your Mother is still a great show.  

     This time watching through I was going through episode by episode on IMDB and reading up on the Trivia and Goofs as I watched each episode.  A lot of the goofs are fairly standard continuity things where a director or DP most likely decided in the moment “Hold this in that hand instead so you face this way.” and things like that.  A lot of things though are actually pretty interesting observations.  Things like different actors wearing the same shirt or specific jewelry that in retrospect would speak to someone remembering their personal experiences and connecting key details to multiple people in our lives.  For example, at one point while Ted(Josh Radnor) is with Stella(Sarah Chalke) and in one episode she is wearing a specific and unique necklace.  In the next episode they’re broken up and then Robin(Cobie Smulders) is wearing the same necklace.  The necklace, a gold pendant on a simple chain, similar in style to the locket that later, Ted works so hard to find for Robin when she marries Barney(Neil Patrick Harris).  An interesting detail that keen observers may have seen and anticipated the ultimate conclusion of the series.

     One of the biggest things for me in this show is the episode Bad News, s06e13.  The countdown is of course, ever compelling and the conclusion of the episode has always been hard for me to watch.  In particular, Marshall’s(Jason Segel) reaction.  In the Trivia section of that episode on IMDB, he wasn’t given that page at first.  Alyson Hannigan got that page before filming that scene, Segel reacted cold and raw to that line and then improvised the response “I’m not ready for this.”  They filmed the one take and that was on the screen.  I haven’t confirmed this but if I ever get the chance to talk with Jason Segel, I’m definitely going to ask him about it.  And then the next episode, Last Words is especially painful for me.  I don’t remember my dad’s last words to me.  

I’m working out scheduling to get things done.  This weekend I’ll know what my work schedule will be and then I can start doing everything else.  I don’t totally get why I can’t seem to things done when I don’t have a job but now that I do I should be getting this apartment put together.  The biggest thing pissing me off right now is that I have a hard deadline to submit two scripts for a writing program and I still haven’t written them.  I only have a couple days at this point and have to write about a hundred pages between them.  Surely I can write a hundred pages in a couple days.  How hard could it possibly be?  I know.  I’ll get it done.

     Now then, among my not getting shit done, I have been watching through How I Met Your Mother.  I’m almost done with season five now.  So, I’m coming up on the heavier parts that always get me.  The episode Bad News hits hard and too close to home.  It’s very close to my own experience and the last time I watched it had still a very strong reaction to it.  This’ll be the first time I watch that so close to where my experience initially happened.  Every other time I’ve watched that episode, I was a thousand miles away from here and now I’m just a few blocks away.  We’ll see how it works out, I’m guessing this weekend given my pace.

     Alright, I need a nap so I can try and get on some kind of a schedule for the next couple days.  Until next time.

First things first, bad news.  A renowned writer passed away the other day.  Peter David is probably best known for writing numerous comics over the years and he wrote a few dozen novels.  Most of his work was in science fiction.  A number of people whose opinions I trust in the field were big fans of his.  I’m not personally familiar with most of his work but he did write a couple parts of the DC/Marvel crossover in the mid nineties.  I had gotten my hands on the trade paperback around 2000 or so.  I really enjoyed that story.  That’s where I consciously started to understand multiversal theory and how to conceptualize analogous characterization.  Skills that have clearly served me well all these years working in retail.  

     I think I’ll need to make this a short post.  I fell behind working on things around the apartment and started writing this later than I planned.  And then I started watching TV again.  I had noticed the other day that my baseline existential dread felt considerably lower than usual and then I realized that I haven’t watched through How I Met Your Mother in the last two quarters and haven’t in turn been reminded about my life dreams and ambitions so long ago ripped away from my grasp as my youth was flushed down the cosmic toilet by circumstance of my finances and stolen opportunities…have I mentioned lately how happy I am my “mother” is finally dead?  So, just so happy!  

I’ve been watching Andor again.  I started at the beginning introducing a friend to Andor and I just finished season one as I write this.  And yeah, I’m writing this late, I know.  All the same, it’s horrific how poignant this whole show is right now.  The thing I’ll never understand, these shit-clowns fucking up everything right now clearly haven’t read their oh-so-precious scriptures that they bastardize to try and support their unconstitutional “legislation” so, they obviously have never watched, let alone read anything worthwhile and yet, step for goose-step they somehow manage to play out every trope and cliché of dystopian fiction.  I’ve always said this, the single most terrifying horror film I’ve ever watched is Idiocracy.  People laughed at me like I was crazy.  I pointed out to them all the shit going on twenty years ago, things I explained to them following through to logical conclusion and here we are.  Exactly where I warned them so long ago.  And yet, STILL I’m the crazy person for not indulging in “reality” TV.  I’M the lunatic for acknowledging the over step of the mormon church usurping secular government and legislative process throughout the state of utah.  Alright, this is supposed to be fun stuff so, I’ll get back to that.

     I’m starting the first episode of season two now.  I love getting deeper into the various models of TIE ships.  And I want this on the record.  I’ve often explained to people how much I distrust that Dyson bloke.  Give me a second, this connects to the Galactic Imperial TIE craft.  Dyson makes vacuum cleaners yeah, I’m talking about that twat.  For the record, James Dyson’s company has invented a number of including robot vacuum cleaners which is a whole other conversation but for the sake of brevity, I’ll be simply focusing on just a few of their inventions.  He started with making more efficient vacuum cleaners that focuses less on designing or redesigning filters but rather, designed a mechanism that manipulates the air flow through a series of cyclonic atmospheric rotation.  This action accomplishes a few things.  It mitigates the over all size of the apparatus.  Traditional vacuum cleaners are designed for linear airflow through a series a filters, this process requires specific areas to accommodate specific volumes of air as the air passes through a number of filters. The Dyson vacuums direct the air flow into a cyclonic action which intrinsically takes up less space.  This action serves another function as the cyclone generates centrifugal motion which propels particulate matter out and away from the central atmospheric body¹ and thus collecting the particulate matter into storage container.  Now, that’s all fine and well EXCEPT that after sometime of revolutionizing home cleaning floor cleaning James Dyson started progressing his air flow technologies in an ultimately more destructive direction.  Let’s focus on these air flow manipulation technologies and then the ballbarrow, STAY WITH ME THERE IS A POINT!  Now, in 2006 Dyson redirected his attention from sucking to blowing…yeah, that’s what I mean.  The Dyson Airblade hand dryers started showing up everywhere.  He adapted his previous technology to compress and propel air in an immediate direction, similar in function to jet engines.  See?  I’m bringing it around.  This led to his developing the technology for his bladeless fans.  A process of ionically charging a shifting volume of air would simultaneously repel particulate matter from the air and propel the air into the designated direction.  Now, this is where Dyson’s vacuum cleaners intersect with TIE technology.

     If you’re not familiar, TIE in the designation of TIE Fighter is actually an acronym.  Twin Ion Engine.  The large panels on either side of the TIE Fighter’s cockpit are in fact not-so-much wings rather, the engines.  The segments of these panels are each a series of “scoops”, collecting particulate matter as it moves, ionically charging said matter, and then discharging that matter through other “scoops” or vents of some sort propelling the matter of the engine into the opposite direction which allows it to scoop more matter, and recycle the process indefinitely².  Developing the technology of his Ballbarrow, yes, that’s the name of a thing.  Dyson worked out the inherently versatile and adaptive properties of using a sphere instead of a wheel for conveyance.  Not dissimilar to the cockpit design of the TIE craft.  Also, Dyson Sphere is something else, I’ll probably cover that later at some point.  Now then, with all that experience, research, practical execution, and the British accent James Dyson is clearly at least by some generations a precursor to what we see as the Galactic Empire portrayed throughout the Star Wars franchise.  And that’s why I’ve never trusted Dyson and his vacuum cleaners.

     This is one of those things I first scoffed in passing just to shit on something that was stupidly popular for stupid reasoning and then I started to think about what I was saying and realized just how poignant my initial response was.  It Turns out that my knee-jerk snark tends to be more prophetic than funny at times and yet people seem to die nonetheless.  I don’t think there are any confirmed casualties connected to cyclonic vacuum cleaners but then again, I just haven’t done the homework yet…nah, I’m sure no one has died from them…yet.  I’m sure things are fine, though.

First thing, I was just looking for something to put on the TV while I sit here and get done some writing.  I was going to put on Archer again since I haven’t watching it yet this quarter but then in my list of ‘continue watching’ I saw Light and Magic.  I haven’t watched this series in awhile so I pull it up.  That’s when I noticed that there are new episodes!  I didn’t know they were running a second season!  I started over on that while do some writing.  Just so we’re clear, I got the e-mail with my first day at the new job and now I’m working on some writing projects instead of actively looking for a new day job.  Is that ok with you?!?!?!  Coolness.  Now, I’m writing this and there’s a writing program accepting submissions right now.  My plan is focus on that and write up the pieces I need for that before I start the new job.  I finished one piece but I’m concerned it’s a bit too dark, ya know, being about my personal experience and all.  I need to write a couple scripts over the next few days so, that’s what I’m working on now.  Well, not NOW now, obviously I’m still writing this thing right this moment.  Next thing after this post, though.  That’s what I’m doing next.

     Ok, I still haven’t caught up on Andor yet.  I got sidetracked watching through Battlestar Galactica again.  This time watching through the series was profoundly different from my previous watch-throughs.  I seemed to be more emotional watching most of the series time round.  I’d forgotten about the scenes with Starbuck and her mom.  There were a few mentions of her mom and how Apollo’s mom was less than motherly but then seeing the scenes with Starbuck and her mom hit me considerably harder.  I’ve made no secret here about my “mother” being a piece of shit but watching this interaction at this time was hard for me.  Maybe it’s because I’m here now so close, geographically, to where I experienced this abuse.  Maybe it’s just this point in time with everything that’s going on.  It’s hard to say.  But I will admit that some part of me wishes Artie got her shit together and actually tried to be better.  Fact is: she didn’t.  I still fully intend to find her grave with the sole intent to piss on it.  Is that my fault for not just forgiving her, just because?  Fuck no!  That bitch died still lying through her withered, fake teeth.  That’s on her.  And rest assured, I’m getting to the dead dad issues next.

     Obviously I kept breaking down and weeping watching the father/son scenes of Olmos and Bamber.  I didn’t get to know my dad so well before he died.  I was only twelve and most of our bonding was watching TV and eating fast food.  Surprise!  He not only died from a heart attack but it was his fourth heart attack.  He and I never really had any of those typical fights that fathers and sons get to have.  We argued about rap music and The Simpsons, that’s pretty much it.  There again, I was eleven and twelve so, it’s not as though I had a well thought out and poignant argument to offer.  Every time I see those conversations in film and TV it reminds me of just how young I really was when he died.  Invariably, the conversation finds its way to ‘children replacing their parents’.  The intended obsolescence of parents.  I figured out fairly quick after dad died just how pivotal a defining moment like that is.  A necessary detriment for personal growth.  There’s the idea that when a bone breaks it becomes stronger at the break because of the healing process undergone by the bone to repair that damage.  One could argue that losing a loved one, especially one as integral as a parent is a uniquely profound damage or break to the psyche, or soul, or whatever that a person experiencing that is altered irrevocably, instantly, in real time.  I would look at people around me, even kids my own age, and what I saw is that they were all soft.  Even my siblings being coddled by their mother, were weak.  A fact that became more and more apparent as I kept growing through this experience.  I think the worst part of that experience is that it seemed to hit me all at once.  I didn’t get to do it piece by piece.  Challenging dad on this point, or having that argument, he just died one day and then the next day, I had to explain to Artie why she was wrong about whatever.  Or I had to anticipate how something would play out logically so, I didn’t screw around as a child.  I never shoplifted.  I didn’t sneak drinks out of my friends’ parents’ liquor cabinets.  I missed out on some common childhood experiences because in certain ways, I was already an adult at thirteen.  Thing is that I lost a lot of key childhood experiences but that’s ok because now I had to be a grown up who was being beaten by my “mother” every other day.  And all that is what’s running through my mind when I see Olmos telling Bamber to ”get your fat ass off my ship.”

     Writing this just now has taken quite a bit out of me.  I think I’m going to eat these fifteen hour old chili cheese fries and get this post scheduled so I can get going on these other projects.  I’m going to watch the last few episodes of Andor and maybe watch the whole series again then possibly write my thoughts on it for Thursday.