The other night I took my somewhat regular pilgrimage. As a child, from about thirteen to seventeen, I had this regular practice that I did almost every night. My “mother’s” ‘parenting in practice’ was in no small part “You eat with the family or you don’t eat.” I opted to not eat with “the family”. I would then wait until around eleven:thirty or twelve o’clock at night, take five dollars from her purse(which it turns out was in fact my money, as I learned years later.), I would walk a very familiar two miles of Van Nuys Boulevard to In-N-Out Burger, and I would sit alone eating my Double-Double, fries, and a large chocolate shake trying to not break down weeping while they close. I would then walk back home often less successful in my efforts to not break down weeping. Next to the 101 is the LA River. Many of those nights I’d look over rail at the twenty or so foot drop, landing on very dry concrete, there was a lot less water there twenty-five years ago. Looking over that guardrail, I thought about jumping. So often in my life I’ve looked over ledges and rails and more easily than anything else, see the ground rising up to meet me as I jump down to it. I don’t think drowning will work on my anymore, otherwise, I’d have been more likely to jump the other night.
It’s possible I’ve been suicidal my entire life, to one extent or another, especially since I’ve been thirteen. It’s no secret among those closest to me…and now you lot, it’s been ignored and disregarded by those who think they’re close to me. One thing most people don’t understand about suicidal ideation is how common it really is and exactly what counts as a ‘suicidal thought’. I can’t recall where I heard this but if you there were one hundred people walking across a bridge over a thousand foot drop, looking over the edge only ten of them would think “I hope I don’t fall.” Eighty-nine of them would think “I hope I don’t jump.” That’s an important distinction to keep in mind there. The intent denotes a suicidal thought. Oh, yeah, that last one. That’s where I fit into the scenario. The last one out of the hundred thinks “I’m gonna do a flip!” I’ve been going through a rough time lately. The work and money situation has not been good. And in turn, everything dependent upon the money and work situation has not been good. I started a job but of course it doesn’t pay what I need let alone allow sufficient freedom for my other projects. Less so when I get another job to just barely not be getting by still.
Admittedly, the biggest issue here is my motivation. I lost about five pounds between plasma donations this week. Logically that’s about what a will-to-live weighs.
